Chrissy's Autograph

Courtesy of Chrissy Lampard 😆❤

Rockin'on, Apr. 1995

By Hiroaki Tanaka, Interpretation by Steve Harris
Translated by Tutu Fujimoto

(audio can be heard here)

  I wrote, "His performance in Japan is going to be a historical moment", however, I didn't mean that I wanted to insinuate an incident that occurs like when Dylan appeared in Newport with his electric guitar. Each person gathered that day had something engraved in their mind, it also would be etched into each life as a permanent memory...I intended the meanining to be that such an incident should be waiting.

     On Jan. 30, the Shinjuku Liquid Room, which was eagerly awaiting Jeff Buckley’s Tokyo debut, had already released the heat of tent shows and the aroma of night cafes before the performance started. The noise in the hall rings as one chord in response to the appearance of the band. A moment of silence given to the man following up the band. If Jeff was an artist, everyone gathered on this day was a director. The band started to play “Mojo Pin”. Jeff's voice was waiting for something to come down to the very last minute of being late for the rhythm. And each audience's memory of life was absorbed into Jeff’s perfect appearance which had started to sing quietly. “Grace”, “So Real”...every moment the audience of 18 years-olds, 35 years-olds, men or women, those who filled the hall bathed in his songs, a small thing at the corner of their memories is led back to a big drama. It tells you that there is a story in life that seems to be nothing unusual, like an encounter, a break-up, taking a test, a family trip or anything. It’s exactly like a story teller, or chanteuse, when speaking of Jeff.  By the time “Hallelujah” was sung at encore, the hall was colored with the pale red and green of revolving lanterns. Quite a few people were standing in a daze after the performance, and I wondered if Jeff could realize that it was in great admiration of him.

     I was able to listen to a demo of a new version of “Eternal Life” while waiting for the interview. I'll report that it was as hard as if Pearl Jam were playing in the background. When I started running the tape, Jeff started to answer quietly putting brand new strings on his Rickenbacker. I was surprised to see that his boyishness was only emphasized when I looked at him closer, contrary to his appearance on the stage.

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I was surprised to find that the “Eternal Life” I had just listened in the office downstairs was much harder than the one you recorded in “Grace”. Will that version be released?

Yeah, it seems to be so. There needed to be a song for a B-side. We didn’t know there was a demand for a ‘B-side song’ in Europe or Japan. “Grace” was a complete work by itself, but the arrangement of “Eternal Life” changed while we were doing it in the live shows. I couldn't get one riff out of my head. So, I re-made it way harder based on that. Actually, I've forgotten the old arrangement, and I can't play it even if you asked me to.

Do you think music is going to grow like a living thing?

I think music changes and evolves in ways different from the writer's wishes. While you're playing the same song for years, or months, it may be fine, then you may feel that it's not working well for some reason.  You should either change your approach or not play the song for a while. Also, songs sometimes have a deeper meaning with time. Some songs might lose power. But this is the first time I've ever recorded, I mean properly recorded, all of those changes.

I understand that a guitar riff has come up to your head, is that kind of inspiration coming from the inside or by the stimulus from the outside?

Hmm...Epiphany is something that happens to everyone. To any person who has lived any life. It often happens when you're faced with difficulties and having internal tension or conflict. I suddenly realized that I had found an answer, or the door to a solution had opened. Like that. Everybody is the same, I think. In the creative process, an accumulation of those things that are the words you feel, some vibes, are always written and collected, or deep thinking is necessary to receive inspiration. Because you have to be trained to demonstrate the strength to cling to the inspiration when it flashes. I think other artists do it in that way.

You mean, if you keep your ideas in this way, you can sublimate your inspiration into something concrete, right?

My advice...record your dreams. Your dream is yourself and part of you. It tells you what you want to know. And, respect the ideas that even seem so ridiculous. Don't throw away any ideas that look silly.

What do you mean by “respect”?

It’s about having the strength enough to give them the same space as the most complex and lofty ideas even if they are considered trivial. What the best idea is...the artists, most of them I know are the same, may have deep self-hatred (with bitter smile). The best of our ideas are often the most pointless and stupid of all. The reason is that our attitude towards it change and we feel love for it again. Make sense? It's very useful to accept yourself. It’s difficult though.

I see. You’re saying that you should not throw away the love letter that you failed to send.

(Lol) Never. You shouldn’t burn your own poetry notebook like me. It's certainly too hard to look back on everything in detail. But some of them were certainly very good things. There's always a side to make up for what I thought was bad.

What does it mean that you burned it even though you’ve understood that so well?  Was it a particularly difficult time when you wrote it down?

Well...no, I've always had a destructive feeling, and sometimes I have an urge to break things. Usually break something about myself. It's not self-torture, I can burn things out of my world quite cruelly.

I don't think you would like to tell us the details. By the way, what's the first chord that you're going to play unconsciously when you hold the guitar like that?

The first chord that comes up to my head.

Is it different every time?

Yes.

I see (lol).

Usually, it's a chord that can be pressed with one finger.

Are you attracted to the chords that use open strings?

Yeah, I love it. For example, I think it's similar to going to the piano, dropping my hands, and adopting something that sounds good.

Do you write songs with piano also?

Sometimes. But I mean it's like that kind of approach. If it looks beautiful, the tone is beautiful, and the feeling of play is good, I’m okay with that. I like to use my thumb, as a bass sound. About the chords, there was a time when I could explain complicated things like those used in classical music or jazz. But just like when I studied French, at first I remembered it, but later I forgot them all. Now I play the guitar sensuously.

By the way, you were attending a kind of music school.

I was just satisfied with curiosity, I wanted to know about the chords. I don’t need it anymore. I think that the fact that there was such an intense period of music study taught me the pleasure of playing naturally. Now I think it’s good pursuing the two points; the sounds I can hear, and the feeling that I can obtain from it when I play them.

I see. I feel like I’m listening to the story of the law of casualty. By the way, it’s also my preconception about you, we have an impression of that you’re such a sourpuss and nervous person who sometimes flips out.

Seriously?  How come? Did I do something bad?

(Lol) First of all, I think most people feel that way because of your appearance. Look this cover photo on the CD.

Hmmmm, I certainly look introverted.  But I’m not such a nervous person. I don't particularly care about how I interact with people and I don't ask for irrational things. I’m quite normal. Except for only thinking of something all the time. But...I've actually been fired twice for being like that.

You see what I’m saying.

Yeah, it’s absolutely the cause for one of the two. Even though I was doing my job well, it seemed to my superiors I was distracted from concentration.

What was that job like?

I was a salesperson at Banana Republic on Broadway. I was advising a customer whether the clothes would look good or not, but I couldn't flatter them. I was told that I needed a superficial friendliness, even if I was thinkibg about something else in my mind. But I couldn’t do that. I can only be myself. If you talk with me, I think you'll understand it. There’s a case that you may be deceived by the impression-I'm sure it's going to change from what you expect of me. For those looking for a hero, it would be better that I’m an introvert. Or in the case you want to make me a reckless person. But in actuality I'm not one of them, or I may be all. You can't understand it until I see you one on one.

I can understand it so well. But I just wonder you got fired because you can't say a word of flattery?

Well, specifically speaking, I was told that I had stolen something even though I hadn't. A security guard said, “You look wary. You must be hiding something.” I explained, “basically I'm a musician, so I have a lot of thoughts”, but they couldn’t understand me. I can only be a complete outsider or a complete underdog in general society. I've worked with people who don't drink with me even after work, and I've got such a stupid eye for observation. An inventor and a dreamer...the sound of music is going off in my head all the time anyways. If there wasn’t music, I would be hanging by my neck with a demo tape in my hand.

This may be a silly question, but what does it mean to you singing a piece of work that projects your life in public?

Specifically speaking, in my case, it’s to speak my mind as it is. Music is like a drug, it's similar to telling your secrets with people around you after one hit of Ecstasy. It’s like I'm going to burst into tears saying “I love you, we’re the best of friends, right?” I'll admit that I hadn't been accepted before, so then it make me feel refreshed. Of course the next day, it'll feel like a hangover and I'm going to be in the depths of my regret (lol). It's hard to get used to publishing yourself to others, but I'm getting used to the fact that I'm not used to it. I mean, I dare to expose things that others may not understand at all. Well, I'm trying not to think too much about this but there's a fear of being cheated and knocked down.

You have something like a lone-wolf-feeling that doesn't belong to any of the present school.

There are a lot of lone wolves in this universe. The real meaning of the word "alone" is "all one." Humans usually want to act in groups. And they also need to be properly accepted by others. But if you were there, you can’t make real judgements whether you’re going up or down. So I can’t trust that kind of thing.

It’s like, you have the illusion that you were accepted, even though it wasn't real?

Or you have the illusion that you are right because you are accepted...I don’t know. One of the rules of humans is that they must know what they believe. Even if they ignore it for years. You should know what you believe, live according to it, love according to it, and accept what you are. It may sound like I’ve actually done it, but I haven’t. I'm still looking for it. I need it especially now. Why? Because...the conditions of how you accept yourself are too subjective and you don't know when those conditions will change. I think the more important thing is to know yourself, your own sounds, who you love, why you love and why you are loved than to be accepted.

There are artists who are using their past damaging experiences as a driving force for creative activities. How about you?

Hmmm (he stops playing the guitar that he had been playing during the interview)...I think it's important that art comes out of joy. It’s not good that only sadness drives you, is it? Joy has more power. But there are a lot of cases that you can hear nothing but sadness. I’m often hurt and I've hurt someone as well. What drives me from the core is the fact that it happened. The fact that I've had that much experience as a human being...No matter how much I want to be good to the world, no matter how much the world wants to be good to me, there are countless obstacles here. That’s “the world.” The demons are planted in all humans at some stage of growth.

What you just said seems to be related to the story that your boyhood was a series of moves.

I don’t know but...growing up in such an environment has had both positive and negative effects. It's a positive thing in a way that adaptability has been refined. I have come to observe people's natures deeply. I mean I had to do that. I had to give up my sense that it’s safe because it was a place like school or a school yard or a restaurant. I’m constantly observing around me and constantly checking for myself as well, just like that. But it didn’t bother me because I’m the kind of person who can’t put down roots. The only problem is that it affects relationships with people or things. I don't have any obsessions with pet dogs, foods, money, or friends. I can pick up someone's mind and easily let it go. An eight-year-old boy who had to pack up and move quickly is still inside me. I’m always battling with this. I have to tell myself all the time “Now it’s different, I can settle down here, and I can keep company with these people, I don't have to say goodbye unless I die in a traffic accident.” Well, on the other hand, I think I'm grateful that I came to think “life is short, nothing goes on forever.” No, it’s also a matter of trouble with me.

You mean, you’re a stranger wherever you are?

Yeah. What I've learned is that it all means nothing, no matter how gorgeous and what good conditions people seems to live with.  Fixed rituals, fixed values, they have no meaning at all. I've always been isolated and saying "fuck you" from the time I recognized it. Because I grew up in an average, conservative, white neighborhood like Anaheim and Riverside. There's no racial union, there's a lot of prejudice, and people live in a dream world. I didn't feel too attracted to, and I was by no means a part of it.  I couldn't bear the feeling that I was being tortured just by sitting. If you can't understand that there is a vast world outside, you'll be dead.

The last question. Which do you like better, the idyllic scenery of the country or the bustle of the city?

The city. If I’m living in the country, I’ll be crazy without a situation like I have to run my own farm. I've been to Bearsville once to try writing songs in a remote area of the mountains.  Not surprisingly, there's no 24-hour shops and I can't even drop by a cafe.  There’s nothing there, really. There was a television in the cabin, but why was there a television set where I was trying to create something? And it's just like the one that comes out on “Friday the 13th”, it's almost likely to be done by a chain saw. Anyway, that kind of splatter scene only comes into my mind 24 hours a day. So I don't want to go to the suburbs anymore (lol)...Tokyo looks like Brooklyn in the 20s. Especially Shinjuku, it’s so beautiful. If I could stay longer, I think something would be born.